EXCERPT
Introduction
I loved fairy tales as a kid; still do. Especially the ones where the perky heroine outsmarts evil detractors with the help of magical friends and eventually ends up with a charming (read: hot) prince. We typically don’t know much about the heroprince other than that he’s a great kisser. In fact, in fairy tales, hero and heroine seem to go straight from that first wake-up kiss to happily ever after, no dating involved.
Not so in the real world. Even the remote possibility of a happy ending generally involves some heavy-duty dating, not to mention kissing all those frogs. And despite it all, you still find yourself not in the enchanted castle you deserve with your own prince of a guy by your side, but in bed—with a toad. Or, even worse, with a guy you thought was a prince; that is, until you never hear from him again.
Dating these days has increasingly become less magically exciting and more a heart-wrenching, uncharted minefield punctuated by way too many WTF moments. If you find yourself checking your phone far too often for any kind of word (or hope) from some guy you’re seeing who seems to have mostly checked out, then you’re not alone. Staggering numbers of women currently lament that their love lives, if they even have them, are unsatisfactory. Women describe that paradoxically, despite feeling free to do as they please, they nevertheless act as slaves to pressures beyond their control. Particularly troubling is an unspoken social pressure to sleep with someone you’re dating not out of authentic desire, but out of misguided obligation. Yes, it really is possible to be too “polite,” especially if your people-pleasing tendencies compel you to consent to, or perhaps more accurately cave to sex you don’t actually want. There is too much at stake—intimacy, romance, love, friendships, and, yes, really good sex—to let that happen. Not to mention your sanity. Listen up, ladies: “free” is not the same as empowered.
For instance, there’s a big difference between embracing and enjoying your sexuality, and treating it as though it were an everyday expendable. Conversely, you’ll learn why sex makes a poor bartering chip. And you may be shocked to discover that your prince charming is already planning his exit strategy even while agreeing to be exclusive when you sleep together.
This book in no way whatsoever purports to have all the answers. But it is at once a true-story-filled page-turner, as well as a proven go-to for practically any dating scenario imaginable. Perhaps you can relate to the following sampling of questions I’m frequently asked:
Why aren’t any of the guys I meet interested in serious relationships?
Am I crazy to pursue this guy despite all the red flags?
Why hasn’t he called even though we totally hit it off on that first date?
How do I deal with the pressure to sleep with someone before I’m ready?
If I wasn’t into it, why hadn’t I told him to stop?
Why don’t I seem to have luck with online dating? And how else can I meet new guys?
Should I stay with someone I’m not completely happy with to avoid being alone?
Don’t Sleep With Him Yet shows how to reclaim your own power so that dating and sex bring many more “Hell, yes!” times for you rather than being, well, merely hellacious. Likewise, your real-life ever after needn’t be a purgatory of pain and regret. Simply put, let’s bring back the magic.
How This Book Got Started
I hadn’t set out to become an expert on dating. Originally I started out doing cognitive-behavioral therapy for depression and eating disorders. But a few years ago I noticed something curious in my thirty-year psychology practice. Nearly every week I had at least one new patient who happened to be attractive and personable, ranging in age from early twenties on up. Remarkably, these female patients were all presenting for therapy after having been dumped by the guys they were dating.
The men initially came on very strong to these beautiful, dynamic women, and the nonstop texting and back-to-back dates also continued for a while in the beginning. One of the guys had even begun discussing marriage and children with my patient. (Side note: men will say just about anything to sleep with you.) Also, these women had much more going for them than just their looks. The group included: college students and recent graduates, law students, teachers, models, working actresses, production assistants, a medical intern, a neonatal nurse, an investment banker, an NBA cheerleader, a life coach, a dentist, an advertising executive, an entrepreneurial camgirl, a high-end bottle-service girl, a VIP concierge, and an entertainment agent, among others. The women were supersmart, except when it came to men. Bottom line: regardless of their looks and talents, the women were all rather unceremoniously dropped by the men whom they’d been dating—and sleeping with.
My patients had become romantically and emotionally attached to these outwardly “great” guys whose smarts and personalities were all over the map. Likewise, their financial statuses ranged from some serious student debt to loaded. However, intentional or not, these men were primarily posers. Meaning they were being nice and appearing emotionally available and commitment-ready, but there was no substance there. It wasn’t that the guys weren’t sincere at the time, it’s just that they couldn’t or wouldn’t follow through. These dudes would say and do all the right things in order to have a relationship that included great sex for a few weeks or months, like a series of hookups with the same woman. Not long afterward, however, would come the inevitable text (yes, always the text), saying the guy just “wasn’t ready for a relationship” after all or “had too much going on.” It happens so often there’s even a new slang name for these mostly millennial men who go for a woman’s heart and soul in addition to her panties: “softboys.” Some of my patients didn’t even receive the courtesy of a breakup text. Instead their partners just stopped calling, texting, or communicating altogether; in other words, they simply disappeared. Once again, the frequency of this behavior has resulted in the now-common slang term: “to ghost.”
In my book, however, all these dudes are pathetic cowards who don’t want to face the recipient of their guilt-ridden, dubious behavior. Because how do you tell a woman whom you’ve been sleeping with that the initial excitement is over and you’ve become bored with her or, worse yet, that you were never really all that into her in the first place? And even when the guy is truly into his partner, he takes her for granted, perhaps lured by a seemingly global glut of girls. So he gambles away something solid and great with a mouse click or swipe of his thumb. As their therapist/dating advisor, and with the wisdom that only years of life experience brings, I knew intuitively that the heartache these wonderful women were experiencing had much to do with their uninformed (okay, clueless), conformity-driven, overly acquiescent behavior. But as a clinical psychologist who views human behavior from a scientific vantage point, I needed proof. Hence, Step 9, Don’t Sleep With Him Yet, and the seed for this book was born.
During the course of my research on sexual behavior, I discovered fascinating studies, surveys, facts, and experiments regarding all realms of dating, mating, and attraction. I found myself discussing these findings with countless women and men nearly daily in my private practice. And guess what? The women, especially, began to assert what they needed and wanted (or didn’t want) from dating partners, instead of just blindly following the guy’s lead. They also began to stand up to both new and longstanding partners who didn’t treat them well. Call it a personally tailored Time’s Up. What’s more, unattached patients (happily) reported that they were not only meeting and attracting far more men, but they also were realizing deeper connections and genuine commitment, which had previously eluded them.
It’s not that I possess any secret formula for dating (although sometimes I wish I did). But I do have “an ear” on both sides of the dating equation: women and men. Especially noteworthy is that as a psychologist, I hear men’s innermost thoughts and feelings—and desires. Daily. So in addition to being entrusted with the dating and relationship challenges women constantly face, I’ve got insider knowledge as to how men’s minds work, including what’s uniquely problematic for them as well.
Which is partly why I can prove that women and men occupy two entirely different emotional demographics. Still, you’ll be surprised to learn that large percentages of single guys have the exact same goals as you. That is, they want to find a woman they’re attracted to romantically who may potentially become a trusted, adored life partner. Don’t Sleep With Him Yet reveals how to attract these men instead of the ones who keep letting you down. You and the (good) men whom you choose to date both want to win the same game: I show you how to become cherished teammates rather than misunderstood opponents.
Notably, the 10 Steps constitute a logical, easy-to-follow format geared toward finding a partner and establishing a committed relationship; consider it a dating GPS. And, yes, although this book is technically about dating, I also show you how to artfully apply its core message of female empowerment to related areas of your life, from building self-confidence to eliminating knee-jerk people-pleasing. Strength. Knowledge. Informed choices. That’s badass and what this book is all about.
Let’s Get Physical: Nothing’s Off-Limits
Then there’s the proverbial elephant in the room. Namely, something many other psychologists miss—or may feel hesitant to talk about. It’s that as women, we have wondrous, if all too often underappreciated, “hardware” from the neck down that warrants just as much discussion as our minds. Not only is important emotional territory covered, but so is physical attraction— both key to a successful dating relationship. Assuming it’s mutual, women want to be desired. At any age. Unlike other dating books written by psychologists, your appearance and sexual satisfaction are not considered off-limits. Whether it’s solid academic reasoning or girlfriend-to-girlfriend hot tips, I give them both to you. Straight up.
Also, my claims are supported with reams of credible research from the fields of psychology, psychobiology, neuroscience, evolutionary psychology, computational sociology, and even business. Don’t Sleep With Him Yet references top science because you deserve no less. Intriguing, cutting-edge facts will affect your life in a remarkably powerful way that’s realistically in sync with today’s sexual norms, partly by lending clarity when you may be going through an especially confusing time— or blurry looking glass. Which is also why I delve deeply into emotional blackmail at the core of coercive sex. In fact, I was already exploring the murky, “gray” zone of sexual consent as a professional participant on college panels promoting sexual assault prevention long before the #MeToo movement hit. Too many young women today find out eye-opening truths the hard way; you don’t have to.
Refreshingly, I also don’t assume that all of you are looking for husbands; in today’s world of highly accomplished, independent women, many opt out of marriage. So I make it a point to address confirmed singletons’ needs and issues just as thoroughly as I do those of you who are seeking marriage. You may have more in common than you think.
Ultimately, I wrote this book simply because I want you, dear reader, to experience the joy of romance, passion, great sex, and, yes, love. I’ll show you exactly how to get to that place of genuine physical and emotional intimacy and connectedness with men—and more. Dating shouldn’t be warfare: let’s get you out of the trenches.
♫ Side note: When it comes to love—not to mention longing— music triggers powerful feelings variously layered in memory or entirely new. (A select bunch of “says-it-best” song lyrics sprinkled throughout the book are referenced by title at the end of each Step, as well as in Appendix 1: The Playlist.) So whether or not you’re currently in the market for a keeper-boyfriend or are strictly in “girls just wanna have fun” mode, it’s time to join me on a smart, sexy tour through Don’t Sleep With Him Yet that is going to rock your world.
